If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
