Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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