I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
