just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
