after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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