Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
