fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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