so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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