she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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