I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
