Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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