you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
