Please don't use social media to get back at me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
