Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
