I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
