i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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