I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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