I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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