just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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