I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
