Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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