I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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