This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
my shit smells like andre
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
