Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
