The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
