My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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