im calling her cock vulture from now on
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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