Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
