I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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