my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Green mimosas i think yes
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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