never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
