Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
don't judge my taste in strippers
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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