Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
