ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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