he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
