this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
