I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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