so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
