Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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