I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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