Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
