How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
