I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
