So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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