You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
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Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
