i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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