I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
