I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
