I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
