Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
