Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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